Saturday, April 7, 2012

Never Again

When I decide to grow old alone, I think that is the time all this pain will stop. All this heartache comes from my need to be with someone who would love me back. If the day comes...

I'm drinking myself to sleep again tonight. These past three weeks have been a cycle of depression that I can't shake. I have created a delusional wagon for myself from which I can't get out of, built an illusion that he will one day realize he still loves me and try again to keep me. I hope one morning I will wake up from this nightmare and realize that this past year had been nothing but just make-believe and accept it.

I wanted so much to believe he will be the one I will grow old with, convinced myself that finally I found a love that love stories are made of. I changed for him. No longer the Trinity that used to give a fuck only when I get an orgasm in return. I remained faithful, let go of my past self and paid attention to someone else's needs over mine. He didn't eat my pussy as often as I would have wanted but I didn't bother telling him for fear of losing him. Hell, maybe that is the problem. I changed for him.

I shouldn't have lowered my standards just to be loved, to be accepted. I should have kept myself the way I am--or was--and maybe I wouldn't be left with nothing at all.

Never again....

Thursday, June 10, 2010

One Night With Inna


It’s not that men have disappointed me enough for me to go and play for the other team completely. Men just can’t satisfy all of my cravings and they would be terribly mistaken if they thought they could. Women still play a huge role in my sex life and it was a pity I neglected my search for a partner during these past few months that I have been a dedicated mistress to Ed. The Ed days are over and the days of adventure are back. And it starts with a woman named Inna.

Inna’s message in response to my personal ad wasn’t the most interesting. In fact, there were other more explicit emails than hers. Younger girls described how they would fuck the living daylights out of me and some older women asked me just how good a pussy licker I am. They won’t be around to find out, sadly. Most messages were descriptive, yes. But lacking in imagination.

I chose Inna because she gave me details about herself without overselling her sexual prowess. Before she met her husband, she had been bisexual and came so close to abandoning sex with men altogether. She missed the feel of a woman’s body. It has been too long, she told me.

Out of my desperate need for a woman again, Inna and I agreed to meet right away. Unlike former hook ups, we didn’t get the chance to share fantasies. I didn’t have a clue how to please her so I decided we will just wing it, if we ever make it to my bedroom. I waited patiently at the bar, drink in hand. She would know how to find me-black jeans, backless black top.

I couldn’t conceal my excitement when I saw her making her way towards me. She held my gaze as she came closer. Her short black dress hugged her body in a very flattering way. Her breasts were just the right size, not too saggy, not too perky. And those nice long legs. Mmm, I thought to myself, as I imagined being in between those legs very soon that night. At 35 years old, 13 years of marriage and three kids, Inna was still in great shape. She sat down beside me and without warning nor invitation, gave me a lingering kiss on the lips. I didn’t respond, tried to be cool and composed. When she pulled back, she smiled at me and held out her hand. Introductions were made, for the first time, in person.

I couldn’t take my eyes off her that night. She wasn’t the prettiest I have seen but the mixture of subtle seduction and her sexy confidence made me wonder if she will be my bitch that night or if she will make me her fuck slave. Either way, I couldn’t wait to take her home. While we drank our own choices of poison and danced to the sexy music, the images in my head were of Inna eating my pussy. I imagined this hot, older woman, moaning and shuddering while eating my pussy, as if she had been starving for thirteen years, as if she had never tasted pussy this good. I felt that delicious sensation between my legs thinking about this.

We drove back to my house. Struggling between keeping my eyes open to see the road and shutting them tightly together each time Inna’s finger brushed at the perfect spot on my clitoris was no easy feat. I reached out to her with my other hand but she brushed it away. Keep both hands on the wheel, she whispered to me. She bit my earlobe, tugged at it gently. This fox knew what she was doing.

When the door locks clicked behind us, she moved quickly to me, and I welcomed her into my arms, our lips meeting for just the second time that night. I took the tongue she offered to me, sucked it lightly and tasted the delicious warmth of her mouth. She moaned against my lips, the kind of moan that sends your nerves aflutter, the kind of sound a virgin makes the first time she discovers the pleasure of oral sex. It was a deep, satisfied moan, as if she hasn’t been kissed before, as if she hasn’t been kissed like this before. Maybe Inna does need this more than I do.

I hiked up her skirt and placed my hand between her legs, letting my fingers roam her inner thighs while I watched the expression on her face. “How wet are you?” I whispered to her.

She thrust her pussy eagerly to my waiting hand. “Dripping”, was her reply.

I tugged at her panty and it was on the floor in a second. I unzipped her dress and let it fall to the floor then struggled out of my own clothes. Now completely naked, I led Inna to the couch, that fire between my legs now burning hotter than ever. Our tongues exploring, fingers touching, hands grasping, teeth biting, her body warm and soft against mine.

She laid down on the couch and spread her legs before me as if to say, “Come hither. Devour me”.

I haven’t seen nor spoken to Inna since that day. She had begged me never to contact her again as this will resurrect the guilty feeling that replaced the delicious orgasms we both experienced. I could have argued that this will be a discreet relationship and she will have full control of the situation. She can decide when she wants to see me again. I didn’t take it an insult that she only wanted a one-night stand.

There was no doubt in my mind that her screams and the way she held me in the throes of passion were genuine and borne out of extreme need. Perhaps, now that her need has been satisfied, she will go back to being the prim and proper housewife she had been for the past 13 years.

No, I didn’t mind being the person to fulfil that need. Cheating with another woman probably isn't as bad as cheating with another man. It is a lesser evil.

And while I thought of the many housewives out there who are in the same situation—the ones who fantasize of a woman lover-I went back to the responses to my personal ad to look for another Inna.

I will have my hands full of them.





Sunday, May 30, 2010

Serendipity


As if in a movie, I looked across the crowded store and he was standing there, looking at me, too, while the throng of people scurried hurriedly around him.

But unlike in the movie, there won't be music swelling in the background, we won't be running towards each other, pushing through the crowd and when finally we are facing each other, time will stand still and he will ask me, very casually, how I have been. With bated breaths, we will stand looking into each other eyes and a kiss, that elusive kiss, will seal our fate together.

No.

No, there was nothing like that.
**************

Wednesday afternoon.

I am taking the rest of the week off but I won't be leaving for Puerto Galera until Friday. Two more days of not doing anything appealed to me. I would stay up late and wake up at noon. I will have coffee at Starbucks and stay until late afternoon, come home and have dinner then curl up in my sofa to watch some horror movie. I had a very loose schedule for the next two days.

I took some time after work to pick up new movies at my favorite store selling pirated DVD's. It is one of my favorite past times, actually. Ed and I used to come to this place all the time, when life wasn't so complicated and we were in love and sure of what we wanted. We would spend hours poring over endless stacks of movies and TV series, excited about new episodes and reveling at copies of rare movies and bootlegged music and videos. We had so much fun comparing our haul after hours of looking through the piles of DVD's. We have the same taste in adult entertainment and always end up choosing the same porn films.

The place reminded me so much of him. I couldn't help but feel sad because that memory, although vivid, now feels very distant, a memory from someone else's life.

And then, as if in a movie, I looked across the crowded store and he was standing there, looking at me, too, while the throng of people scurried hurriedly around him.

But unlike in the movie, there won't be music swelling in the background, we won't be running towards each other, pushing through the crowd and when finally we are facing each other, time will stand still and he will ask me, very casually, how I have been. With bated breaths, we will stand looking into each other eyes and a kiss, that elusive kiss, will seal our fate together.

No.

No, there was nothing like that.

That part of me that always longed for him had died and in it's place only the memory of a beautiful love remained. Just a memory now. Oh, how I loved him then! Our love had been wonderful. We had a fun run but now that is over and I am moving on.

I turned around and walked away, the way he had walked away from me, without apology, without remorse but with a lightness in my heart knowing that just like walking away now, we had saved ourselves from a much greater pain by ending our love in order for his children to keep their father.

Who said I didn't have a moral compass?