Saturday, September 27, 2008

Love Weakens Like Pain

I can't see through the tears in my eyes, can't breathe through the pain in my heart...He's leaving. At this very moment, I wonder what he is thinking. Will he keep his promise to me? Will he keep me in his heart? Will he call me, write to me? Will he continue loving me?

He's leaving and I can't be without him for long. It hurts too much. I hate that loving and missing someone can hurt like this..Oh God, why do I feel this way????

In the Grand Scheme of Things

It’s not everyday you find someone you want to be yours so badly and at the same time be sane enough to understand someone like this comes to you for one purpose only. When that purpose has been satisfied, you have to move on without that person. I think every person who comes and goes in your life has their own purpose.

Somehow, despite my constant rationalizations and my oftentimes grim view of the world, I still believe in something bigger than myself, something out there that controls where my life sways. While I am not a huge fan of the concepts of fate and destiny, since all my life I have made my own decisions and caused my own downfalls, I certainly want to believe that a higher power out there is pulling strings to get me to where I am supposed to be. If I didn’t believe in it, life would be one passing, fleeting train without a known destination that I had to hop on to just to get from one point to the other, not knowing what the other point would be. That journey would be quick, no stops, no sightseeing.

I don’t know why I have to meet him. I am happy and in love with him. I know I like having him because I feel like now I can finally open a part of my soul that I would never reveal to anyone. At the same time, I want to hide from him, afraid he’ll see through me, afraid I would lose that part of myself to him. I’m scared soon I won’t know the difference between a love that will last and a spur of the moment one-night stand. It’s starting to feel like I want to tell him what I think, what I feel, what I want to do, what I hate, what I desire for, what my most perverse and lustful thoughts are, what I fear most.

In the grand scheme of things, I am supposed to learn a lesson from him. I think that is his purpose. I don’t know what the lesson is and whatever it may be, this lesson is being taught to me with the help of fate and a teacher I met on a night when I seemed to have lost my direction.

In the end though…..well, I hope it doesn’t end. I have been known to lose things and people that I esteem to be important and close to my heart. Oftentimes, I just let them go because they’re always there and I can’t find the time for them or the patience to cultivate a lasting relationship.

I don’t know where this will lead, if I can trust completely and just let myself be free. I am yet to discover what his purpose in my life really is….It’s sad, though, because in less than a few days, he will be gone and I have to make a decision: shall I move on or love him? Either way, the few days we have been together will never be soon forgotten. I was loved in the most erotic, seductive and beautiful way...

Thursday, September 18, 2008


·Changed my number twice this week, deleted a third of my contacts and didn't update them about my new number. It felt great to be "out of coverage area", to disappear, to not have anyone looking for you.

·Went to work really late this whole week but my boss didn't budge at all.

· Checked my emails and realized that of the 1000 plus messages in my inbox, less than a third of those are emails from friends. The lot of them was just spam emails.

· Started listening to sad music again and I was surprised that they didn't make me feel queasy at all.

· Dug out an old pair of jeans tucked at the bottom of my wardrobe that I have forgotten about and was surprised to find out the pair was still a snug fit.

· Stopped counting how many packs of cigarettes I consumed this week. Even if I smoked one stick a day, that still will not guarantee I will live longer than the people who smoke a pack a day. Life's never certain so why bother counting?

· I watched Sweet November, While You Were Sleeping, Pretty Woman. The Notebook and The Lake House. Now, I am completely convinced love is a wonderful thing despite the pain and sacrifice. I am also completely convinced I don't have it in my life now.

· I realized I like to savor the pain of lost love because the pain makes me feel alive, makes me want to keep looking for love without the real desire of keeping it. Chasing love and letting it go just when I really start needing it…it's insane but it's the way I am. I just realized this is the way I am…

· I went to the doctor and was relieved I won't have to come in for another test next week. He already knows what's wrong with me.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Disjointed..Senseless Rantings

It’s All Coffee, Smoke and Booze

Sometimes I feel the only things that flow in my veins are nicotine, alcohol and caffeine. For good reason, my latest tests showed I am anemic and I have low blood pressure.

Hmmmm….Can I die from too much coffee? I’m sure nicotine kills and so does alchohol. I always thought I’d die from a bottle of sleeping pills which I don’t take anymore anyway (on hindsight, maybe I should so I can sleep and maybe up my red blood cell count) or that I would be a shut in at some point in my adult life despite all the superficial fun I’m having now with perfunctory friends and still take a bottle of sleeping pills to end all the fun just because I don’t think this is what I really want.

Live a Life That Will Matter

I always wanted to pass from this world and leave a part of my life that people will always remember me by. I can do charity work like Princess Diana did but I need to be really popular and have a lot of money to be able to do that. Well, I don’t have to do good deeds to be remembered. I could be a terrorist and kill lots of people and I’m sure history will remember me. There’s this Korean student at some US state who went crazy and killed a lot of students. I surely remember him and so does the family of the kids he killed. After a few years, he will be forgotten, lost to oblivion so his single wicked moment was only significant because it opened people’s eyes to how violent and insane anyone can become. Then people forget him and then there’ll be another insane person who does the exact same thing and people will wonder again: What pushed this person to do what he did? Too much apathy in this world drives people to want to seek attention, that’s why.

How can I make my life matter? Is it the handful of friends I have that will make my life matter? Is it success? If I change my nose and get brand new boobs, will that make me happy, will people now see that I am truly beautiful? If I become an exceptional leader, will people admire me or hate me? Should I become a pornstar and have men drooling all over me? Will that make me feel wanted at last? Then maybe as a pornstar I will commit suicide at a young age and an unheard of Indie band will write a song about the pornstar who killed herself at the peak of her career. Maybe I should have been a scientist and discover a cure for AIDS, maybe even win a Nobel. Should I write a book? If I do, I have to write about a topic no one’s written about.

At least a couple of people have done the things I have mentioned (except finding a cure for AIDS) so now I have to find my own unforgettable mark. With all the things that are going on in every person’s small world filled with only themselves it becomes even more difficult to truly matter. Everyone’s just thinking of themselves, their own desires, ambitions and their own happiness. To matter, one has to be needed. I guess it’s as simple as that. Maybe if I matter to one person, then I guess I have lived a good life.

Then again, do I want to stay here for a long time and watch myself grow old and ugly and eventually just rot away? Do I have to keep planning things ahead so I can have some reason to last one week? Life just tires me out every single day and maybe dying for nothing is the best way to go. Besides, if no one will remember, why do I want to be remembered at all?