Monday, October 27, 2008

Feeling My Way Around

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart... Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

These lines are from the movie Meet Joe Black, released in 1999. Today, as I tried to find inspiration for something to write about, I saw this movie again and knew that the burst of passion I was looking for to start writing again has arrived.

Lines spoken like the song that my heart is singing right now. I took the chance. I wasn’t looking-or maybe I thought I didn’t-but love came and I welcomed it without hesitation, without thinking twice. The journey I am taking now is filled with uncertainty but I’m at peace with that. I always say love is a decision you make. When you want to make things work, they will. If you want to show it, it will. If you keep it, it will stay hidden. If you want to let it go, you can. If you decide to live without it, you’ll survive without it. Too much of this goes on in the head but love shouldn’t be in the head. It should be in the heart. How do I know that this love is now in my heart? Because now I am not thinking.I’m just feeling my way around. If I fall into a deep hole or come across a speed bump, I won’t have to think of what to do. I will simply feel my way around the hole or slowly go over the speed bump and find my momentum again. My heart will take me to my true north and I won’t ever be lost. I know where I am going.

I don’t know him…yet. Even if in the future we will claim to know each other, I guess there will always be some things we will never know about and I don’t care whether in due time they will be revealed or remain a mystery. I can live with that now. I will listen to my heart and think less because every time I think too much, I get messed up. When I try to control the situation and attempt to influence what I think is supposed to happen next in order to win, I end up losing. I will go with the flow. Think less, feel more.

Everything is so uncertain and I am scared. All I know and feel now is I have fallen deeply in love with him and every step I take, every thing I have done this past month, is a step closer to him. If I had been the person I was before, I woud ask “Why him and why am I giving this much for someone or something I don’t even know I will truly have?” Now I guess I am not that person because I don’t want the answer. I am in love and being loved in return. This is all that matters to me.

I am listening to the voice of my heart….The voice of reason, screaming and arguing, asking me to stop, is slowly fading into the background..I want to fall. I have fallen and I love the journey I am taking. I am living.