Saturday, April 7, 2012

Never Again

When I decide to grow old alone, I think that is the time all this pain will stop. All this heartache comes from my need to be with someone who would love me back. If the day comes...

I'm drinking myself to sleep again tonight. These past three weeks have been a cycle of depression that I can't shake. I have created a delusional wagon for myself from which I can't get out of, built an illusion that he will one day realize he still loves me and try again to keep me. I hope one morning I will wake up from this nightmare and realize that this past year had been nothing but just make-believe and accept it.

I wanted so much to believe he will be the one I will grow old with, convinced myself that finally I found a love that love stories are made of. I changed for him. No longer the Trinity that used to give a fuck only when I get an orgasm in return. I remained faithful, let go of my past self and paid attention to someone else's needs over mine. He didn't eat my pussy as often as I would have wanted but I didn't bother telling him for fear of losing him. Hell, maybe that is the problem. I changed for him.

I shouldn't have lowered my standards just to be loved, to be accepted. I should have kept myself the way I am--or was--and maybe I wouldn't be left with nothing at all.

Never again....